First time in quite some time that I have been to church on Wednesday night. I like it. I need the mid-week boost. I love the time of praying together and the Bible study, not to mention just the fellowship of eating together and hugging on my kids.
I am excited to have a long weekend off. I am tired. I think it is more mental than physical, but I am just tired. I haven’t really made plans for the holiday weekend, but I feel sure that some grilling out will be involved. We grilled steaks at the office today…and oh my goodness, they were good. Our boys do know how to cook.
My resolve for making changes in my life is coming along. I still have to get after the physical exercise part, but I am making better eating choices overall…today does not count….. and the family thing is going well. I am trying to take less for granted and be deliberate about spending time with all of my family.
Hope any who read have a wonderful and safe 4th of July Holiday. Independence is not to be taken lightly, freedom should not be taken for granted, liberty is marvelous thing. But when the world turns upside down, when wrong becomes right and right becomes wrong it is easy to blame too much liberty. Following God was never part of the broad way, we are delusional when we think it was…
Happy Independence Day.
I spent the afternoon yesterday with some of my best buddies from tennis. We had an afternoon luncheon and pool party. It is amazing how close I am to those girls. It is also amazing how many different problems we are dealing with. All of us have burdens, they are just all very different. My prayer list grows longer when we get together and really talk.
I am struck with the thought that all of life is compartmentalized. That is true and it is not really a bad thing. Most of the time you can’t help the fact that certain people and places become part of your past. The trouble comes when you try to force the past to be part of your future or current life. Most of the time it just does not work. Class reunions are a good indicator of that. It is fun to get together and talk about the way things were and how much fun we once had, but in reality you know little about these people and their grown up lives. We once had an amazing small group of ladies at church, but most have moved elsewhere or changed their circumstances and now it might be good to get together once a year, but that is about all we can manage. I have longed for closeness that I once had with a group, but I still have those things. They just look a little different, and that is okay.
Sometimes you can go back and start over, but most times you can’t. I have peace with the fact that I can’t. None of my warm and loving feelings have changed, but I have changed and they have changed and I just don’t belong. That does not mean that I reject that part of my life or the relationships that still mean so much to me. It just means that I love them from a distance and again, that is okay.
I am not sure what the next step will be for me. For now I am going to go where my kids go. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, connects you like having children involved. Why would I want anything else? At least for now, I have a plan.
I appreciate when someone realizes that they have unjustly jumped all over me and apologizes. I also am anxious to forgive them and move on. I am even anxious to see what I can do to prevent the anger from flaring up again…
but still, it stings…
One of the most amazing things about this life and our life in Christ is the ability to start over! God is so merciful and gracious that He wants us enough to be patient with our wanderings. I think yesterday was one of those days for me, strike that, I know yesterday was one of those days for me. I have been in a strange place, trying to find my way and I just couldn’t….. I am not sure why, but there was a hurdle I could not get over. I found that if I could not feel like I was in the race (pardon the metaphors) then I couldn’t even train properly. I was not satisfied with my Spiritual walk. I was allowing things to crowd out my devotion, my service and just my basic goodness. I am tired of that. I am putting down my bad habits, and I am getting busy feeding the Spirit alive within me. I will focus on family first while serving God, and the rest will fall into place.
Yesterday the Spirit within me was moved, for the first time in a long time. I was moved to tears, for the first time in a long time. Maybe it is as simple as being with family. Maybe it was the relevancy of the message or the intensity of the praise and worship, whatever it was, it felt right. It felt good.
I am not sure where this will all lead, but it is the start of a new journey. I love walking it with my family. Others are special to me, but they are not MY family. At this point in my life that is the bottom line!
I am going to leave a little early today and take the triplets to see “Inside-Out”. That should be fun. I made the mistake of telling them last weekend that I would take them to the movie before school started back….. they have driven their Mom crazy ever since. She has just texted me and wants them to spend the night. We will have fun.
I have decided I work better with a check-list. I need a new one every day, not just for my work life but for my personal life as well. I do have some “habits” that I am good at keeping…like my Daily Audio Bible reading and calling my Mom at 8:00 every morning. I sometimes resist structure, but I think it is good for me. Maybe I will work on structuring that over the weekend.
Hope to have a good one, six months from today Christmas will be over….. who thinks like that? Arghh…
Life is calm. Inside my guts are churning. I am thankful to have a job that I like, a great husband, wonderful children and grandchildren and good friends. I am thankful for the level of health that my Mother still has, though I worry about her a lot. I wonder if I am doing right by her, assuming that she is okay to stay by herself…. The unrest is from the things I can’t control. Which in reality is all things. I try to just be thankful for what I do have and not to stress about the things that remain unresolved….I do try.
Summer if in full force. It is hot. I need to take some vacation time that does not involve a tennis tournament. We will see what the next few weeks bring. Work has settled in some, but the end of the quarter is coming up, so it may flare up again soon.
There is no point in complaining or worrying. Get busy with the next good thing. Here we go….
Yesterday during church I got a phone call. I had forgot to silence my phone and quickly did so. As soon as I could leave I did so and returned the call. (odd to get any phone call and not a text). Anyway, my friend J was calling to ask if I could play tennis that day for S. She had received a text from her daughter who said she did not have her phone with her. I told her that I could not play, but would find someone who could…. all very strange. It stayed on my mind, but I waited until today to text her.
Seems as if S’s husband has been drinking heavily and has become abusive. She says if he does not get into rehab she will have to file for divorce. Totally breaking my heart. They seem like the perfect couple, the perfect family. If I had been forced to pick any couple that would always be together I would have picked them. My heart is heavy and broken. He is risking losing a treasure.
Today all my troubles seem so far away. But they are still there, and they are still real. but I am thankful that I am not dealing with that type of problem. My family was all together yesterday (except for Joseph who had to work) and despite the sadness of being the first Father’s Day without my Dad, it was a pretty good day. Mom was able to come for lunch and after I took her home I swam with the kids for awhile. David and I had gone to Outback on Saturday and got an ice cream cone Sunday night. Low key but sweet Father’s Day for us.
Tomorrow, hopefully we begin the process of our court case. I pray that this will be resolved quickly and completely. Too me it is also sad that they would not just take responsibility for the damage caused and do the right thing. I hate going through the court system.
It is amazing that we all wear these perfect little masks. I had no clue what my friend S was going through and she probably has no clue what I am going through….and she is one of my best friends…. The people I go to church with have even less ideal of my troubles…..and really, they don’t want to hear about it. Everyone has enough of their own to deal with.
Relationships are what make life…..walls and masks defeat relationships. How do we keep it real?